There are films that exist only in rumor, that gain notoriety without ever being seen.....There are films out there that gain infamy from word of mouth originating from those few who actually have seen them.  THE WIZARD OF MARS is one of those.

     Once they're down, they have to try to survive.  They have to get to their main stage for oxygen, food and shelter.  They set sail in rubber rafts down a nearby Martian canal, at one point facing attack by crudely-made rubber eel-snake-river critters.  They pass through caverns that seem endless, and are forced to abandon their rafts and move through the caves on foot. Then it's past the dangerous volcanoes, lava, and fire swamps.  They exit back onto the surface of Mars with their oxygen canisters full of approximately one days' worth of air left.

     Then they arrive at the source of the signal they have been following--it turns out that it isn't their main stage, but an old disused probe that is still sending.  The comedy relief character begins to crack up, and begins taking pot shots at the probe, laughing maniacally.  But WAIT--!!  His shots broke one of the fuel lines, and there's still liquid oxygen in the tanks, making sure that the story can continue for who knows how many interminable minutes.

     They shelter under the Mars probe from an upcoming storm.  When they set out in the morning, they find that the storm has uncovered what looks like a cobblestone road (a yellow brick road, anyone?), leading toward a strange alien city on a plateau.

     In the city they find a breathable atmosphere (natch), alien ruins, and some charred remains of bodies that look like they were trying to break into a vault door. In the center of the city, they find crystal containers housing alien bodies...one of which animates and telepathically links with the commander.

     The alien directs them to a chamber where ghostly alien images begin to swirl, eventually turning into John "Show Me The Money" Carradine as a disembodied head who delivers all the answers to all their questions in dialogue that sounds like it was written for Jon Lovitz' Master Thespian.  The head tells them that they were a once-great race, who fell back and came to the brink of destruction until it froze time around itself, unable to free itself again.  The errant space travelers must help them restart time again.  How?  They have to stick what looks like a snow globe of the alien city into the pivot point of a big pendulum....(read it again, you read right).  They alien city begins to collapse as John Carradine makes some more confusing speeches, and the humans stagger out to the surface of Mars to collapse upon the golden road....

      Suddenly, the humans are back in their spaceship, in orbit around Mars ("There's no place like home...."), receiving a call from Earth base, leaving just enough time for a lame capper by Carradine...

     ACK.  A three-legged dog in lead boots with chronic fatigue syndrome moves faster than this film.

     A tour-de-force of incompetent filmmaking, below even the standards of an Edward D. Wood or possibly even an Al Adamson, it is numbingly primitive.  I can only suspect that there is some larger story at work here, that this may have been a film school project, or something done for demonstration purposes.  It is so unpolished, blatantly awkward and ponderously mounted that it must have some explanation beyond simple bad filmmaking or its reported $33,000 budget.

     Tremendous amounts of dialogue are dubbed, mostly in the exterior sequences, giving things an even shoddier feel. All of Space Chick's dialogue is dubbed, indicating that her delivery was not what they were interested in (of dialogue, anyway). There is also an interminable voice-over of the captain making what sounds like log entries, in florid, hackneyed prose that even Ed Wood would cringe at.

     This film has something of a similarity to 2000's RED PLANET, in that the majority of the film is taken up with the trek across Mars to link up with a working spacecraft that is the characters' salvation.  It even makes one of the same absurd assumptions--that four people would all begin to run out of oxygen at exactly the same minute!

     Special effects that come off somewhere between film school projects and semi-competent. The film looks to have been shot on 16mm.  All in all, an interesting film in that kind of 'train wreck' way, as the earnestness of all concerned falls before the sheer physical and technical limitations.

     (In the video edition I have, you are treated to the opening credits 'John Carradine as...'  followed by, in a crude video- generated font 'HORRORS OF THE RED PLANET'  where, one would assume, 'The Wizard of Mars' would have appeared in the original print--apparently, the non-sequitur didn't bother anyone at Star Classics Video.  And, despite what the box says, Lon Chaney (neither 'Sr.' or 'Jr.') is in this.  And to read the back cover--it bears NO RESEMBLANCE TO THIS MOVIE WHATSOEVER.)

     This film was directed by David L. Hewitt, who, believe it or not, continued to work in the film industry in various capacities, including Journey to the Center of Time(1964), The Doomsday Machine (1967), Horror of the Blood Monsters (1970), Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987, special effects), Willow (1988, special effects), Honey,  Shrunk the Kids (1989, SFX), Shocker (1989), Leprechaun (1993), and Sorceress (1994). He later re-used SFX footage from this film in Horror of the Blood Monsters (1970).

PLUSES: There wasn't a sequel.

MINUSES: Every minute, from beginning to end.