| Mars Needs Women - 1968 | |
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In 1968, a science-fiction film premiered that would set new boundaries in the field and be hailed for decades as an unparallelled classic. This film would be praised by critics, intellectuals, and scholars as a monumnetal statement on mankind and its place in the Universe. Unfortunately, that was 2001: A Space Odyssey and this review is about Mars Needs Women, which actually came out in '67, and is none of that other stuff. Written and directed by badmoviemeister Larry Buchanan (Zontar, Thing from Venus), it tells the sensitive story of lonely Martians looking for love. On Earth, women begin disappearing. Cut to the military at the space place. (Quick, everybody, look tense!) A message is received -- "Mars Needs Women!"Tommy Kirk as the Martian named Dop jump-cuts into the control room in a kinky rubber jumpsuit, explaining that a genetic screw-up is causing 100 male Martian babies to be born for every 1 female. He asks for volunteer Earth women to serve as breeding stock to help save the Martian race. Big Chief General says no way, these women is ours! So these interplanetary frat boys come from the red planet looking to get chicks by any means possible. Soon, there is a worldwide alert--defend our wimmin! The military scrambles, to no effect. These love-starved spacemen use all their technological might to stop our Earthly war machine in its tracks. And where do the amorous Martians land? Houston, Texas, naturally. In their cute little saucer. They hole up in some sort of old warehouse. There are five Martians (including Kirk), all with their kinky rubber jumpsuits, complete with build in headphone/antennae. They receive instructions: 'you may resort to hypnosis,' and set out on something called 'operation sleep freeze.' The fist thing the Martians do? They rob a gas station (no kiddin'!) to get money and a street map so they can go cruisin' for chicks! They then steal a car from the airport long-term lot (so it won't be noticed missing), and steal some groovy threads for these Martian babe-magnets. So they set out to abduct their prime specimens of womanhood. Who do they go for? First, a stripper (naturally). Then Dr. Marjorie Boland, a 'space geneticist' played by Yvonne Craig, enters the picture as a prime candidate. Dop assumes the identity of a reporter, planning to use that identity as a cover to get closer to her. Meanwhile, one of the other Martians is out trying to pick up a stewardess. Dop shows up at Dr. Boland's press conference and makes an impression on her by not acting like he's in a locker room (unlike the rest of the fourth estate in the room). He and the Doctor wind up hanging out after the press conference and wind up on a dreamy date at the local planetarium, watching a simulated trip to Mars presentation with a bunch of noxious school kids. When the presentation audio tape breaks, we enter MAXIMUM CHEESE TERRITORY when Dop takes over the narration! Probably the best bit in the movie! Well, how could any woman resist the hunky goodness of the lovesick man-Martian now? By this point, Martian #4 has set his sights on a college homecoming queen, so he shows up on her doorstep and hypnotizes her with Martian Mind Power™. Direct, but who wants to waste time talking? The news of the abductions of three beautiful, unmarried women possibly falling into the hands of lecherous Martians makes news! And then, the final target -- an artistic type (a buxom, blond artistic type). The Martian doctor makes his move..! Out of the blue, the military think they have centered in on the aliens' hiding place, an old abandoned ice factory, and plan an attack. Dop and Doc Boland go on a hot, romantic date to the museum (you gotta love a gal who's such a cheap date). Doc Boland accidentally spills the beans about the pending attack. Dop hotfoots it out of there and warns his cohorts, and they set to run-- They have to leave the captured women, but Dop don't wanna leave his new girlfriend, so he sez he's stayin'. He sez he loves her and then goes, just as the attack begins (an attack apparently composed of FOUR GUYS). Cap it off with a quote from Tsiolkovsky, and let the recovery begin. Firstly, it's very hard to take everything seriously when your big threat is just looking for lovin'. Secondly, when the Martians wind up coming off as the heroes, you're in trouble, especially when they're about as charismatic as a CPA with a head cold. Thirdly, when these powerful aliens come to Earth for women and immediately start looking for bimbo-types, it's a little hard to think of them as anything but alien horndogs. Yvonne Craig gives the only credible performance in the film. Tommy Kirk is furniture-like in his implacability. The other Martians are non-entities (but so are all the Earthpeople, as well). It's too bad there were no sequels for this gem. Imagine the possibilities in an entire series of such films: Mercury Just Wants to be Friends, Venus Envy, Pluto Thinks You're Cute, A Gleam in Jupiter's Eye, Saturn Feels Smothered, or Neptune Just Got Out of a Bad Relationship.....and I don't want to think of one for 'Uranus.' (PRICELESS DIALOGUE, showing how advanced the Martians are: 'Red Planet abandoned the use of ties fifty years ago as useless male vanity!')
PLUSES: Yvonne Craig (rrowrr). And I still like the scene in the planetarium. MINUSES: Oh, where to begin? |
